Navigating the Holiday Season: 3 Steps to Protect Your Peace
Conditional love, triggers, and taking action.
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Michelle x
Recognise Conditional Love and Apply Boundaries
Holidays can be wonderful. This article offers support when spending time with others does not feel that way.
Just in case you need the reminder - conditional love is love with conditions. If a relationship requires us to be a certain way to please others and at a cost to ourselves, perhaps it’s time to evaluate how we are operating within this relationship.
Here is a little boundary health check-up for the silly season and some suggestions to consider when preparing for ‘peopling’.
If this article raises mental health issues, please contact your General Practitioner, mental health worker, or Lifeline on 13 11 14 (Australia) OR find support by country at www.helpguide.org. For Domestic Violence issues, please contact 1800RESPECT. Outside of Australia please call your Emergency Service or Domestic Violence Hotline.
Do gatherings evoke any of the following feelings?
Ignored
Fearful
Anxious
Angry or resentful
Disrespected
All of these feelings stem from not listening and acting in accordance with one’s heart because the mind is ‘running the show’. So how can we listen to our hearts and flow through family and holiday occasions with love and compassion?
We need to give ourselves that love and compassion first because we are always triggered by what is not healed in us. And it doesn’t matter how much spiritual, self-work we do if we never get the opportunity to practice what we have learnt.
Christmas chaos?
Growth opportunity. You are welcome!
So, let’s explore the feelings above.
Feeling Ignored? Sometimes others use shunning as a way to show you they do not like what you are doing. Understand this is a manipulative strategy employed by people who are not ready to deal with their own feelings and let it go. Instead, engage with those who actively love you back - have fun until it isn't fun and then take your leave. Engaging in this form of game playing is like trying to manage a toddler mid-tantrum, only worse.
Create space and allow the other person to feel their emotions and choose not to allow yourself to be manipulated, inadvertently rewarding poor behaviour.
If we don’t respect their need to play out this pattern, we enable them to stay stuck in that pattern. Let’s not teach others that we accept conditional love and say no thanks to emotional terrorism.
Fearful and Anxious
These go hand-in-hand and occur when our ego would like to control an outcome, forgetting our power to choose in the moment. Our ego would like to keep us safe with a known outcome and so triggers fears for the future and our safety.
When we understand we have the power to choose what we accept for ourselves, we can clear our blocked throat chakras to speak our truth with love.
Clear: Take a moment to feel where you are holding fear and anxiety in your body, allow the emotions to rise and flow out with your breath. Hold no resistance, these are only feelings and your body needs a path to release them. Focus on your gentle steady breath and if you need to cry, cry.
Anger and Resentment
Anger and resentment occur when we feel fearful - re-read above. Fearful that others won’t respect or honour our needs. Here’s the thing: this won’t occur unless we respect and honour our needs by listening to our own hearts.
Like energy attracts like energy.
Clear: Connect to Mother Earth, notice where you hold these emotions in the body and allow them to flow outward, dissolving with each breath. Take your time and allow them to peel back. Notice the fear that sits below anger. Imagine Mother Earth’s love flowing into your body and restoring balance. Ground dear ones.
Worried about hurting other’s feelings?
Remember that others have lessons too, whatever drama has been occurring is not just about you. Our connections with others are almost always a mutual agreement in the non-physical to create opportunities for growth. Theirs and ours. We can do our work and they must do theirs. This can only happen if you let others have an honest reaction or consequence for their actions. ‘Protecting’ others from their feelings prevents this path. (This is not to say it is okay to offer reactions to take revenge, but to speak our truth with love.)
Seeking love/acceptance? We are taught to forget the love we are. You came into a body as Divine love, filled with unconditional love - look to any baby or small child to know this. You were no different. We learn that we need to find love outwards through our observations and experiences that condition us to forget who we really are.
We cannot give away enough love to make someone love themselves - and the reverse is also true.
Instead, we can fully love ourselves and show others by our actions how to do the same.
This means we hold love (from a distance, if need be) and let go - our power is not in changing others but taking charge of our own response and applying love to all.
Want it to be Different?
Accept it as it is. Speak your truth, even if it is only to apply and insist on your boundaries. Love unconditionally and let the resistance fall. We each work things out in our Divine right timing.
Build Self-Respect Like attracts like and the world is our mirror. It always invites us to ask, ‘How am I not respecting myself?’ Listen, and then change the dynamic by respecting yourself through action.
Taking Loving Action
Call It and speak your truth with love when words are needed. Here are a range of suggestions you can use or modify:
I love you and respect that this is your opinion. (There is no need to engage - what we choose to believe becomes our truth and debate will only create more resistance. It is what you choose to believe that matters, because it forms your experience.)
Thank you for sharing your opinion. (This one is also non-engagement.)
I can see you feel really strongly about this, and I do too. Let's talk about it when we have had a chance to process our thoughts.
I respect this is how you feel. I don’t feel same way.
I don't feel safe when [INSERT], and I need this to stop.
To actually speak these words can feel insurmountable. It is only a feeling and our invitation to step into our sovereign beingness. Choose a line or two and practice. Modify as needed but say it out loud, rehearse in your mind to strengthen your throat chakra.
Did you know? Blocked throat chakras love Lapis Lazuli. Find a piece and wear it at your throat.
Give yourself space if needed - no-one or situation is going to have a happy outcome when either are in their ‘red-room’. Consider how it might be different if you could say:
Let’s continue when we can have a calm discussion.
I’m not in the right space for this discussion.
Let’s discuss this another time, once I have had a chance to reflect.
Apply the Boundary: Feel like the conversation or situation is escalating, a boundary is challenged, or just feel energetically taxed and need to exit?
Remember a boundary is only a wish unless we are willing to act on it.
Sometimes we simply need to create space to heal, and sometimes physical distance is needed to be / feel safe. Step away using any of the following strategies:
Let's continue this another time - and leave.
Is that the time? Thanks for the morning/afternoon/visit - see you again soon.
It's been good to spend time together and now I/we need to go.
I/we have plans for some down-time this afternoon so we're leaving now.
It’s been a long day and now I’m going.
Quietly leave - if this is where you are at, give yourself permission to love yourself and go OR
Ask for help. Perhaps create a safe word with a partner and have them support you while you are strengthening the self-love muscle OR
Perhaps you already know you are simply not ready for the situation and don’t go. It is always okay to nurture self first and choose gentle steps when needed.
Or perhaps you know that no matter how you behave, this situation is volatile.
Domestic Violence is never okay. Please seek support if you need it: In Australia call 000 or 1800RESPECT. Outside of Australia please call your Emergency Service or Domestic Violence Hotline.
Infinitely Deserving
You are infinitely deserving of love and respect - especially from yourself.
Isn’t it time to step out of victim consciousness and practice self-love?
Recognising conditional love and learning to apply boundaries is essential to maintaining peace and emotional health. By acknowledging our feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, or resentment, we can begin to heal and reclaim our power. It is crucial to remember that we are responsible for how we respond, not for changing others. Yes, there may be resistance. It isn’t your work. Holding love for all and standing firm in our own truth creates space for healthier, more harmonious connections.
And the solution, dear ones, the resolution to discord, always exists within ourselves and is always within our reach, if we choose.
If you would like further strategies to develop loving boundaries you may be interested in:
Thank you for joining me as we grow in love together.
Blessed be
Michelle Cowles
Spiritual Healer, Energy Therapist
You can also find me at www.michellecowles.com
Disclaimer: The information on this page is general, lifestyle information and should not be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease. If this article raises mental health issues, please contact your General Practitioner, mental health worker, or Lifeline on 13 11 14 (Australia) OR find support by country at www.helpguide.org.
I bought some Lapis Lazuli crystals just last week and intend to meditate with them leading up to Xmas day. Synchronicity!
Thank you Michelle 💙🙏🏻