The Kiss

My body belongs to me - digging deeper into why we manifest the experiences we do by looking at trauma. Finding voice and choosing the beauty in now.

Rubiales’ kiss provoked me to return to a piece of writing I had temporarily parked. I’m sure I am not the only one to have a reaction to the image of unsolicited sexualized contact – and this is why…

Image from The Sydney Morning Herald’s article

It is time to speak out and I am sharing not to seek sympathy but to find the voice that I encourage my clients to find. Finally, the fear of judgement (others’ thoughts are none of my business) is sufficiently diluted.

Enough now.

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Warning - trauma post. 
If this article raises issues for you, please seek support from 
Lifeline 13 14 11, your General Practitioner, or counsellor.

This week I have been guided to understand why I work with trauma, why I chose it and how it relates to all that is. Until recently, I believed it was to have the skills to help others recover their personal power. Now I understand it has been to heal my own wounds and share the teachings with others.

Having spent a lifetime ducking and weaving this hurt, it seems I have become adept at avoiding pain. However, as our vibration continues to grow and evolve it is clear that we are each being asked to face that which we seek to avoid.

So, I stand before you, sharing my vulnerability in the knowledge that it is a small part of our evolution and in the hope that viewing it from a position of empowerment may help others too.

Small beginnings.

My first memory of imbalances in the Divine feminine begins at about 4 years old, however, my work tells me the point of creation was at 2 years. My recollection is nothing terrible to the adult mind but laced with lashings of shame as a child and an innate understanding that secrets must be kept, some things about being human were just not acceptable. Having completed healing work with my colleague Emma, it was her reaction to what I was telling her that made me view my experiences differently. What a blessing it is to have someone we trust to share our experiences and know we are safe from judgment!

The pattern that emerged from recounting a lifetime of sexualized experiences was confronting – and validating. So many violations of personal and sacred space. If you do the work too, you know that any pattern of experiences is no coincidence.

These are the events I recollect most easily

• Curiosity about the body associated with shame as a child.

• Semi-nude photos taken by a male family photographer friend at 7 or 8 years old – feeling very uncomfortable but also unable to say ‘no’

• Broke hymen in an accident at 8 years

• Adult male exposed himself at a local pool at 8 or 9 years

• Held under water by an adult male family friend and believed I was going to drown

• Introduced to pornography as a potentially lucrative career at 11 years by relative (sexualized male trauma passed down generationally)

• Sexual interference at 11

• Kicked in the crotch by a boy at school in Year 8 - why? I still don’t know what provoked it

• Internal exam for period pain by male doctor at 13 years, no support person

• Breasts exposed when top pulled down by boy at school in Year 8

• Twice, slapped in the pubic area by known and unknown males while in public space

• Sexual insults and false accusations from male peers

• Rejected by older boyfriend at 14 years for not engaging in sex

• Participated in inappropriate intimate relationships as an adolescent

• Grabbed on the breast by unknown male at 15 years during a visit to the city

• Shoulder barged by unknown male at 16 years in a public space

• Sexually groomed and manipulated by adult male as an adolescent

• Sexually harassed at work as 18-19 year old by older married boss

• Pestered and personal space not respected on many occasions continued into adulthood

• Rifle pointed at me ‘in jest’ by boyfriend jealous of letters received from a dear uncle

• Sexually manipulated through fear of loss or exposure in relations

• Recipient of several unsolicited kisses – all public venues

• Sexually violent images/dreams

When I look at the list a deep sadness for all of womankind fills my heart. If this journey was about comparison, I know that much of this wouldn’t hold a light to the experiences many others have had.  It is an unshakable knowing when 5 out of 6 female clients report some kind of sexual betrayal. Many still associate shame with events that occurred as children and some, now grandmothers, disclosing only now for the first time. A percentage of male clients also seek support to find inner peace after sexual abuse – the betrayal does not know gender.

Image by Mika Baumeister on Unsplash

There are so many reasons women have encountered similar experiences:

• ‘She asked for it’

• ‘It’s not a big deal’

• Power abuse

• Isolation

• Confusion about attention and self-worth

• Looking outwards for love and acceptance

• The role of shame – most events occurred in isolation and were never spoken of.

• Lack of societal consequences

• Socially accepted lack of boundaries

• Disbelief

• Limiting feminine belief that it is not okay to make someone else uncomfortable, therefore don’t speak up.

• Fear of other’s reactions to self-disclosure

My list is neither more than less than others’ experiences. They are merely a series of events I energetically attracted to become aware of what needed healing and how to help others.

I realise, for many, this is an unknown concept.

Through the work I do, I understand that the wounds that have occurred in this lifetime are an invitation to heal thousands of lifetimes lived in disempowerment or as a perpetrator. We can think of the energy of these wounds as karmic residue. The imbalances are paralleled in the ancestral lines we choose and with the understanding that our healing lightens the vibration of All that Is. Further, this healing creates opportunities for the limiting energy of trauma to be released from all energetic points: past, present, future, ancestral, dimensional and so on.

For me and for many, the wounds we are healing have evoked low emotions of shame, guilt, blame, and the four leading imbalances presented by the wounded healer: betrayal, persecution, abandonment, and injustice. This is coupled with sabotaging patterns of the inability to speak up for self, to speak one’s truth with love and utter conviction that we are deserving of creating and honoring our boundaries.

Let it out. Image borrowed from Facebook #ehimeora

Here is the thing. Unless we are in a physical form on the earth plane, we do not have access to healing karmic imbalances. Our mission is to remember what we are here to heal and so no surprises that we create a framework or Divine Plan for this lifetime that contains the possibility of violation.

Imbalance of male / female power, predatory behaviour, denial, minimal accountability – represents the imbalance between Divine Sacred Feminine and Masculine energies. Younger folk in particular, represent the new energy, here to bring injustice to the surface. Without elaborating in this missive, please recall the imbalance between the masculine and feminine / yin and yang in all facets of Earth – her people, the organizations on Earth, the treatment of our Divine Mother. The battle between male and female for control makes no more sense than the Sun and the Moon fighting each other for domination. Each has a role – united and separate.

Our collective vibration forms Mass Consciousness, and this energy has been held down through our participation in conflict- whether physical, emotional or mental; perpetuation of unhealed ancestral patterns, the belief in competition, separation and emotional disassociation. This collective lower vibration contributed to through our behaviour for centuries is a reflection of the imbalances between matriarchal and patriarchal powers. When we heal these imbalances with love, and with the understanding it is part of the illusion we have created, then we also release the discord in and around Mother Earth’s mantle and the vibration of all rises.

So what have I learnt?

• I am not my experiences and my experiences do not define who I am.

• Part of my time on Earth is to re-learn how to love myself unconditionally.

• My emotional reactions to my experiences are my responsibility. They are the messages from my Higher Self, my Over Soul, triggering discomfort to remind me of what I am not.

• ‘Protecting’ myself through limiting my heart connection with my partner is a reflection of trauma.

• Being manipulated teaches us manipulation and creates further pain

• How others react to my truth is none of my business – others’ judgment is their reflection not mine.

• I am not here to learn to forgive others. I am here to learn to forgive me.

• Speaking about my experiences does not mean I am less of a Divine entity because an onlooker judges me. (There’s judgment again!)

• My ability to honor my truth, to speak my truth with love when words are needed is the salve for not only myself but all of Collective Consciousness.

• When I release the low vibration emotions associated with trauma – guilt, shame, blame, betrayal etc, my vibration and world outlook improves. I then begin to attract higher vibrational experiences.

• Refusing to fall in the trap of ‘hate’ or anything less than love releases my participation in lowering the vibration of all.

• When I can view all with love, understanding we are all evolving in our right timing through our experiences, I am free.

Gratitude for this life.

And what am I thankful for?

The strong, supportive and unconditionally accepting women healers who have helped bring my trauma to the surface. Because I am always learning, growing and able to choose something better for myself. For having planned a lifetime with certain pain points to gain my awareness, but also for having guides and a loving, spiritually aware partner who agreed to be by my side as I worked through it all. For my loving and respectful male and female friends. For learning to use my voice.

And so, through this understanding, my life current life is very different. And it must be when we remember that what we believe about ourselves comes true for us. The higher vibration frequencies of self-love and acceptance is the new energetic point of attraction.

If you resonate with my story this is no coincidence.

Women have collectively agreed to carry injustice and other low vibrational experiences to help restore balance to the Divine Feminine and Masculine. Our understanding develops further when we see the manifestation of imbalances in our health as metaphoric reflections of the challenges experienced in life.  This notion is also evident in the health issues, such as PCOS for example, where ovaries relate to holding onto old hurts, particularly from males, low self-esteem and victim consciousness.  Similar imbalances are found repeatedly in the underlying metaphysical causes of disruption to the reproductive organs – our bodies showing us what we have chosen to address. When we are ready.

If this article raises issues for you, I invite you to look at it from a new perspective and urge you to seek the support you need to move beyond your trauma. You deserve it.

And now, will I press the ‘submit’ button? Yes. Yes, I will.

Blessings

Michelle x

Michelle Cowles

Spiritual Leader/Teacher/Learner

Copyright Michelle Cowles 2023

Disclaimer: The information on this page is general, lifestyle information and should not be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease. If this article raises mental health issues, please contact your General Practitioner, mental health worker, or Lifeline on 13 11 14