Finding Freedom ...
from other's expectations and our own. Or, how to heal the Superwoman/person Syndrome
Beds made, sink sparkling, kid’s achievement certificates neatly posted on the pin board next to the chore list filled with happy stickers, curated Insta posts… and we haven’t even begun to consider our work, sport and social expectations.
It’s no wonder we are exhausted.
The Cure
The ‘cure’ to no longer being driven by others’ expectations (and our own), is through acceptance.
Once we love and accept who we are and as we are, we no longer need to be tossed on the waves of others’ opinions and learn it is okay to suit ourselves.
How much easier would life be if you already accepted every part of yourself?
Unfortunately, our world thrives on us not feeling ‘enough’. Consider the messages we are bombarded with every day. Air-brushed images look out from billboards reinforcing that nothing less than ‘perfection’ is desired. Social and film media presents an idealised version of women, and increasingly men, as we look to others and back at ourselves in judgment.
We tell ourselves that there is always room for improvement. Isn’t this idea reinforced in our magazines, television, infomercials, and social media?
Dig a little deeper and we soon discover that social manipulation is nothing new. Our parents and grandparents too, experienced the earlier version of written advertising and media that suggested they needed a particular brand or image to maintain a ‘certain status’.
As we examine ‘keeping up with the Jones’s’, we learn of even earlier pressures: to attend church regularly, to behave with a certain demeanour, to dress in a particular way, to maintain social standards, all as a means of avoiding social labelling, shunning or even outright ostracism.
Creating Dissatisfaction
The success of this generations-long campaign to undermine self-acceptance is evidenced in the multi-billion dollar clothing, makeup, diet and corrective surgery industries. But it doesn’t stop there. The unending idealised representation of modern life promoting successful career, sleek cars, iphones and Xboxes, flipped houses, happy families, streams towards us at every step.
Creation of dissatisfaction, the number one marketing tool, has a flow-on effect. If we don’t accept ourselves, how can we accept others, and how can our children accept themselves? A life of judgment and criticism is not rewarding nor healthy, creating a multitude of negative emotions that erodes well-being.
The truth is the world is mirrored to us as we see it.
When we have love and acceptance within, we look out on our world with love and acceptance of difference. Sounds like a pipedream, right?
Imagine being able to lovingly accept the wrinkles shaped by life and laughter; our mummy tummies that cradled children; that each of us is an imperfect work of art and a work in progress? How would it feel to accept we are occupying a unique physical vehicle that is allowing us to experience this life?
We can choose to be ‘our harshest critic’, especially when we make a mistake, or treat ourselves with the empathy, compassion, and acceptance we offer our best friend.
What if we reverse our thoughts of failing and embarrassment into gentle and encouraging thoughts of opportunity, a chance to learn and grow? This kindness towards self strengthens our resilience and helps us to resist reacting to negative opinions, situations and emotions.
How?
Many of us recognise the old beliefs of lack, but what holds us back from achieving this self-acceptance?
To achieve this acceptance and self-love we must release our unresolved triggers, habits of thought, and associated negative emotions of judgement and criticism.
We can activate our willpower and decide we will no longer listen to the stream of manipulation. And will this make us feel unconditional love and acceptance towards ourselves?
Possibly not. If it were that easy, we would not be supporting the ‘right’ labels/cosmetic intervention/latest yet superfluous technologies at a cost to our financial wellbeing.
It is important to remember, we weren’t born with this dissatisfaction. So how can we reverse the layers of limitation we accepted for ourselves?
Heal our own Triggers:
Remember that each of us participates in the world according to the teachings we have accepted for ourselves. When we understand that we all have a unique view of how the world ‘is’, we understand that we create our circumstances: If we are angry, we look for the anger in situations and others; if we are fearful, we see situations to be afraid of; if we accept ourselves, we accept others.
And so, those who are critical or hurtful, do this because at some point, they were taught this lesson, and they are merely playing it out through self- criticism, feeling criticised and criticising others.
The only way the conscious mind can keep us ‘safe’ is then to make sure that we don’t make ‘mistakes’. We believe by maintaining vigilance we can ensure we give others no reason to criticise us. How we appear to others then becomes crucial for our wellbeing. If we dress, speak, and conduct ourselves a certain way – read perfectionism – we will be protected against others’ criticisms. Our radar for detecting possible threats goes into overdrive: nervous tension lodges in the neck, shoulders and stomach, and adrenals spike, keeping us in fight or flight.
How can this be Healed?
Present lifetime: Recognising what we have accepted for ourselves from others allows us to lift the ‘mask’ of pretense. When we reassure the younger self – yes, he or she still exists within - that they (you) don’t need to accept this limitation for themselves, they can begin to create new habits. Yet, there is still more to address.
Ancestral healing: Earlier, I hinted at ancestral conditioning as a source of our limiting beliefs.
Our genetic coding holds onto ancestral traumas. Those earlier generations embedded their fears of being different, their fears for social survival, into their DNA, and this also lies within us.
Energetic lifetimes: Look a little deeper again and we learn we selected this ancestral line (and it is 99% guaranteed that we did) not only because of strengths like resilience, but because it would quickly help us remember the soul wounds from previous lifetimes. The replay of our wounds shows us the work we have chosen for ourselves in this lifetime. How can we heal if we don’t know what it is we are healing?
Habits of Thought: We are not our minds. If we can recognise when our mind is stuck in a loop of thought, we know that we are not our thoughts. So who is in charge of our thoughts? Our ego will run riot if we let it.
Take action!
Here are some ways to tame the critical mind:
Ask yourself why you want to be hard on you. How does it help? We wouldn’t criticise our best friend the way we attack or undermine ourselves.
Remind yourself that your experiences are opportunities to learn, grow and evolve. They do not define who you are. What do you need to learn from this experience?
Revisit what works for you. Create new expectations!
Forgive yourself. You are a human being working things out as you go.
Apologise to yourself. There is an inner child listening to everything you say. How does it make them feel when you attack you?
Create a state change. Move! Go for a walk, run, dance, find an activity to jolt your thoughts.
Deliberately focus on nature or something beautiful.
Breathe. Use square breathing; inhale for 4 seconds. Hold for 4 seconds. Breathe out for 6 seconds. Hold for 4 seconds. Repeat.
Ask for help.
Here is how NOT to tame a critical mind:
Create quiet. Become introspective. Sit in solitude. Try to meditate. Each of these spaces allows our conscious mind to use us as a whipping post, and escalate anxiety. The aim of creating new habits of thought is to use new strategies and not to allow the mind to do more of the same.*
Everything is as it is meant to be.
What if we can accept that every aspect of our lives has occurred to bring us to this time and space?
Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance grows when we understand the purpose of the different aspects of our lives. Every situation is an opportunity to learn something and grow. In fact, if we don’t learn from it, we continue to create similar situations, giving ourselves multiple opportunities to draw on our strengths, resolve an issue and continue along our journey. Not sure about this? Think of repeated poor partner choices, friendship conflicts, persistent feelings of inadequacy, or negative life situations. Should we be harsh on ourselves because we create situations that make us face our wounds? Sometimes we need to really 'feel' the consequences of our choices before we are ready to make a shift - one more step along the continuum that is our journey.
Isn’t it a gift to realise we have the power to grow?
We are not meant to struggle, and we are certainly not meant to struggle alone. If you choose self-acceptance and need support to release unhealed emotions and energies to create the inner peace you deserve, make an appointment today. See for yourself how quickly alternative/energy therapies can help release patterns that no longer serve you.
You are exactly who, what and where you are supposed to be, and you are enough.
Love
Michelle
Michelle Cowles
Spiritual Healer
* The information on this page is general, lifestyle information and should not be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease. This information is never a substitute for professional health care advice. If you have concerns about your mental or physical health see your Doctor or health professional.