Dear Brain
The habit of self-criticism and why we should replace it with self-love
Criticism: the expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes. (Oxford Languages)
I often refer to myself as a recovering perfectionist. This is what I have learnt along the way.
We are not born with criticism - self, or otherwise.
It is something we learn as children through our experiences and observations. In our juvenile stage we have yet to develop the cognitive capacity for reason, and so patterns are unthinkingly repeated.
How?
Feelings of inadequacy grow from non-acceptance, whether finishing a meal like a ‘good little boy’, being told ‘shame on you’, or needing to get good grades to please a parent, teacher and be aligned with peers.
These feelings leave us striving for acceptance, craving love from others, and looking outwards for a sense of belonging. We then believe if we try harder and change ourselves to be more acceptable, we will become worthy of other’s love and acceptance.
An important note: In the extreme, the imbalance of looking outwards for validation creates significant anxiety. If this applies to you, please seek support rather than completing the activity that follows on your own. See your doctor, counsellor, and when you are ready to heal the underlying cause, consider a spiritual healing appointment.
The Inner Child
When working with this part of ourselves it often leads back to the 3 year old self and it looks something like this.
I see others criticising, so it must be a tool for improvement or a legitimate way to be. (Belief)
When I experience criticism it makes me uncomfortable. If I make sure that I don’t make a mistake I won’t be criticised. (Perfectionism)
If I also criticise myself, I will remember not to be ‘stupid’, or to make the same mistake again. (Belief)
If I criticise others, I am showing that they displease me. Others need to modify their behaviour so I can be happy. (Manipulation, conditional love)
The Revised Logic
‘Mistakes’ are opportunities that invite me to learn, grow, and evolve.
When we teach a child to tie shoelaces, we understand that it will take practice. It may take 20 attempts; it may take 200. It will be the exact number of times that the child needs to learn and then continue to repeat the skill to refine. Focusing on the tries as ‘failures’ does not help them to learn faster. Nor does criticising the child while learning which creates self-doubt and lowers self-esteem at best.
So, how are adults any different?
When we know better, we do better.
Human beings are here to learn through their experiences and Egoic ruling through perfectionism prevents us from taking healthy risks and opportunities to expand. This is an unhealthy pattern and contradicts our Divine selves. We are energy, energetic beings in a physical body. Remember that energy has no value of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and we are here to learn to release all that is not our Divine self and to return to a state of ‘being’.
Some will say self-criticism spurs them on to do better. Let’s look a little closer.
We have a self-talk continuum from stereotypical ‘drill sergeant’ to ‘cheer squad’ (no offence to those occupations!). This inner voice can drill us to ‘suck it up’, ‘keep going’, ‘try harder’ or it can operate like an elite performance coach. The coach helps us to look at what happened, determine where we might make improvements and encourages and believes in us as we try again.
Which would you prefer?
And the beauty of this is we actually get to choose how we speak to ourselves!
Changing Self-Criticism
Like all habits, new ways of being take time. Practice the following gently, showing yourself love and compassion as you rewrite your self-talk.
1 Notice
Begin to pay attention when you are being critical of yourself, whether words, tone, or action. When you notice, thank yourself for showing you the negative.
2 Gently Contradict your Critical-Voice
Imagine you are in a conversation with this critical part of yourself. It is only playing a role you have asked, so speak to it as you would a small child (which is generally when it was created) or your best friend if imagining yourself is not easy. Anything less than love will reinforce what you don’t want!
Imagine putting your arm around your younger self and acknowledge that criticism is an old pattern you both accepted for yourself. Explain that you now understand being critical of yourself hurts both you and them. Tell them you would like to use a kind coach to heal this old hurtful pattern. Would they like to be healed of the pain? Would you like to be healed of the retained painful emotions you have held onto?
3 Complete the Inner Child Meditation
4 New Habits
Creating a habit takes time - consider how long you have practised the habit of self-criticism!
Remind yourself that you are on a path to creating a new, kinder habit and that this too, will take time.
Every time you notice yourself being critical to others, remember that you and every other soul on the planet are working along their divine path to learn, grow, and evolve being guided by their life experiences. Remind yourself and the critical voice that you are a learner, learning in Divine timing. Remember the shoelaces? Learning takes exactly as many experiences as it needs to.
Affirm: I am a learner, learning from my experiences in my Divine right timing.
Then take a moment to understand the event that created the criticism.
What did you need to learn or choose differently? Sometimes it is to simply say, ‘no thank you’ or choose another option. If it were your best friend who went through this experience, what advice would you offer?
Regardless of what we choose next the outcome of that choice will guide us to our next step so allow yourself to let go of the fear and breathe!
5 Release
Once you have worked through the steps, imagine your beautiful heart energy growing and expanding with each breath. Then take a deep breath and imagine your energy dissolving all discomfort the criticism caused.
6 Give thanks
Awareness is the key. Becoming aware of how our Ego and unhelpful patterns operate allows us to create healthy change. Thank you for the gift of awareness!
Finally, remember this is a new habit and go gently. The more we practice self-kindness and self-compassion, the more we open our hearts to self-love. And the more we allow ourselves to feel, the more we are guided by our Higher Selves for our greatest good. You are inifinitely deserving of living a life of inner peace.
Your energy matters
Blessings
Michelle x
Michelle Cowles
Spiritual Healer
Disclaimer: The information on this page is general, lifestyle information and should not be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease. This information is never a substitute for professional health care advice. Any information you find on this page or on external sites which are linked to on this page should be verified with your professional health care provider.